Weaning off Effexor - 37.5mg to 0mg

Zero, the final frontier.

I have put 37.5mg to 25mg to 12.5mg to zero together because I predict these steps can be faster (because they are so small).

Same idea.

14/3/17 - Tonight I went down to 25mg.

15/3/17 - Had a meltdown at the dentist today. 
I was just incredibly anxious.
Normally I can handle it ok, but I also have had some traumatic experiences with my teeth, so it's not entirely out of no-where.
It looks like I'll see and endodontist and have two root canals done at once (to be fair, that would shake most people).

I stayed up listening to Game Grumps (Sonic Boom play-through) and beading.

I don't know why I decided to do this, but it exists now.
PU1 doesn't believe I made this by hand, opting to believe in some sort of sorcery.

16/3/17 - I don't want to live in fear.
I am going to fight this!
I have been through physical pain before, I can do it again.
I have the advantage of knowing how to be stoic in the face of fear (thanks to the effexor), I can get back to a place I have been before.
I won't be a slave to fear!

Left: Me, Right: Fear

*Of course if I can't fight my fears, it's not a big deal.
It is neurochemical based.
Maybe it is like trying to bring water to a sodium fire.
I won't take it as a failure if I can't overcome it.

Also I did more beading:

19/3/17 - I got mad at a game today, but I had the foresight and control to tell my friends that I had to sit the next rounds out before I blew up.
Progress!

PU1 decided to talk about my dental needs right before bed.
I need dental work because my tooth root is inflamed.
My tooth is inflamed because I grind my teeth in my sleep.
I grind my teeth from stress.
Why would you stress me out before bed!?

I don't see a dolphin around here, do you?!

I told her she can't talk about stressful things with me before bed.

20/3/17 - I had a really fun night out with Miss Buttons.
Not really related to the meds, but it's just a positive.

21/3/17 - Had an endodontist appointment. I physically recoiled and refused to cooperate when they wanted to test a problem tooth with ice.
I've had this test before and it is incredibly painful.
Part of my refusal was fear (which is stronger in me on this dosage) and part of it was because it was a stupid test.

22/3/17 - I have been having really bad memory problems of late.
I was going to go down to 12.5mg tonight... but I forgot and took 25mg.

23/3/17 - The beast is well and truly awake.
I woke up angry, I kept being angry when I couldn't find things.
I feel like my blood is actually boiling!
Instead of 'Happy with bouts of anger', today was 'Enraged with 
bouts of not angry'.

I do feel like a werewolf sometimes.
It's just uncontrollable anger that I don't want to feel.

PB, if my anger gets too much, don't be afraid to say I need to find new meds. 
It is not a failure on your part or mine.
For thousands of years people have been jerk-face-stupid-reasons-for-fighting jerks, this hate is in me as well... Just stronger and harder to control or direct.

I've told PU1 to just imagine I am transforming into a teenage boy.
She doesn't understand mental health issues so I just went with something she could imagine.

Sometimes I wish there was a place I could go and be bound in a safe space when I have days like today.

I went down to 12.5mg tonight to see if it helps.

24/3/17 - Went to the doctor today and found out I am very anaemic. It was a bit of a surprise because I don't feel tired.
I got angry when the doctor asked me if I was bleeding internally. 
I think I would notice if I was bleeding internally and would have done something about it sooner!

Now that you mention it...

25/3/17 - Memory is better, anger is less today.
I could barely stay awake today, but that was because of cats stealing my warmth and bed when I was trying to sleep last night.

26/3/17 - I am milder and I have a better memory now.
But I don't sleep as well and I feel 'zappy' at times.
Why do I feel zappy? I'm on so little!

27/3/17 - Still zappy.
What the heck is going on?!

28/3/17 - I'm not taking any tonight! :D
If I'm already zappy, does it really matter if I get a little more zappy?

30/3/17 - The zapping is already reduced. Yay!

31/3/17 - I feel just fine :)
The only thing I noticed today was if I think about something happy (like how much I love PB), I tear up.
Silly tears of joy!

If I watch 'The Notebook' now, I'll be a sobbing mess.
Thankfully Miss Buttons wants to watch 'Citizen Kane', a personal favourite of mine.

When I went to bed, I was disturbed by an aural hallucination of someone knocking on a wooden door.

It only happened once during the night and not long after it happened, I realised it wasn't real, nothing in the house that could make that exact noise was anywhere near me.

1/4/17 - All was fine, except I was woken again. 
By the sound of someone knocking on a wooden door.

I have been told that hallucinations are a common experience with anxiety due to changes in breathing patterns, so I'm not bothered.
But what an odd choice of sound.

Concluding Remarks:

I don't expect to always be ok, and I do not doubt I will return to medication.
It is the way my brain chemistry is.
It isn't a weakness or failing on my part, just chemistry set at the wrong neurotransmitter levels because of genetics.

I feel I have to remind everyone that depression is an illness, not a weakness, because I still know people who don't understand.
I have friends with depression who see getting help and medication as a sign of weakness.

You cannot be weak with depression, if anything it tests and proves your strength.