Weaning off Effexor - 37.5mg to 0mg

Zero, the final frontier.

I have put 37.5mg to 25mg to 12.5mg to zero together because I predict these steps can be faster (because they are so small).

Same idea.

14/3/17 - Tonight I went down to 25mg.

15/3/17 - Had a meltdown at the dentist today. 
I was just incredibly anxious.
Normally I can handle it ok, but I also have had some traumatic experiences with my teeth, so it's not entirely out of no-where.
It looks like I'll see and endodontist and have two root canals done at once (to be fair, that would shake most people).

I stayed up listening to Game Grumps (Sonic Boom play-through) and beading.

I don't know why I decided to do this, but it exists now.
PU1 doesn't believe I made this by hand, opting to believe in some sort of sorcery.

16/3/17 - I don't want to live in fear.
I am going to fight this!
I have been through physical pain before, I can do it again.
I have the advantage of knowing how to be stoic in the face of fear (thanks to the effexor), I can get back to a place I have been before.
I won't be a slave to fear!

Left: Me, Right: Fear

*Of course if I can't fight my fears, it's not a big deal.
It is neurochemical based.
Maybe it is like trying to bring water to a sodium fire.
I won't take it as a failure if I can't overcome it.

Also I did more beading:

19/3/17 - I got mad at a game today, but I had the foresight and control to tell my friends that I had to sit the next rounds out before I blew up.
Progress!

PU1 decided to talk about my dental needs right before bed.
I need dental work because my tooth root is inflamed.
My tooth is inflamed because I grind my teeth in my sleep.
I grind my teeth from stress.
Why would you stress me out before bed!?

I don't see a dolphin around here, do you?!

I told her she can't talk about stressful things with me before bed.

20/3/17 - I had a really fun night out with Miss Buttons.
Not really related to the meds, but it's just a positive.

21/3/17 - Had an endodontist appointment. I physically recoiled and refused to cooperate when they wanted to test a problem tooth with ice.
I've had this test before and it is incredibly painful.
Part of my refusal was fear (which is stronger in me on this dosage) and part of it was because it was a stupid test.

22/3/17 - I have been having really bad memory problems of late.
I was going to go down to 12.5mg tonight... but I forgot and took 25mg.

23/3/17 - The beast is well and truly awake.
I woke up angry, I kept being angry when I couldn't find things.
I feel like my blood is actually boiling!
Instead of 'Happy with bouts of anger', today was 'Enraged with 
bouts of not angry'.

I do feel like a werewolf sometimes.
It's just uncontrollable anger that I don't want to feel.

PB, if my anger gets too much, don't be afraid to say I need to find new meds. 
It is not a failure on your part or mine.
For thousands of years people have been jerk-face-stupid-reasons-for-fighting jerks, this hate is in me as well... Just stronger and harder to control or direct.

I've told PU1 to just imagine I am transforming into a teenage boy.
She doesn't understand mental health issues so I just went with something she could imagine.

Sometimes I wish there was a place I could go and be bound in a safe space when I have days like today.

I went down to 12.5mg tonight to see if it helps.

24/3/17 - Went to the doctor today and found out I am very anaemic. It was a bit of a surprise because I don't feel tired.
I got angry when the doctor asked me if I was bleeding internally. 
I think I would notice if I was bleeding internally and would have done something about it sooner!

Now that you mention it...

25/3/17 - Memory is better, anger is less today.
I could barely stay awake today, but that was because of cats stealing my warmth and bed when I was trying to sleep last night.

26/3/17 - I am milder and I have a better memory now.
But I don't sleep as well and I feel 'zappy' at times.
Why do I feel zappy? I'm on so little!

27/3/17 - Still zappy.
What the heck is going on?!

28/3/17 - I'm not taking any tonight! :D
If I'm already zappy, does it really matter if I get a little more zappy?

30/3/17 - The zapping is already reduced. Yay!

31/3/17 - I feel just fine :)
The only thing I noticed today was if I think about something happy (like how much I love PB), I tear up.
Silly tears of joy!

If I watch 'The Notebook' now, I'll be a sobbing mess.
Thankfully Miss Buttons wants to watch 'Citizen Kane', a personal favourite of mine.

When I went to bed, I was disturbed by an aural hallucination of someone knocking on a wooden door.

It only happened once during the night and not long after it happened, I realised it wasn't real, nothing in the house that could make that exact noise was anywhere near me.

1/4/17 - All was fine, except I was woken again. 
By the sound of someone knocking on a wooden door.

I have been told that hallucinations are a common experience with anxiety due to changes in breathing patterns, so I'm not bothered.
But what an odd choice of sound.

Concluding Remarks:

I don't expect to always be ok, and I do not doubt I will return to medication.
It is the way my brain chemistry is.
It isn't a weakness or failing on my part, just chemistry set at the wrong neurotransmitter levels because of genetics.

I feel I have to remind everyone that depression is an illness, not a weakness, because I still know people who don't understand.
I have friends with depression who see getting help and medication as a sign of weakness.

You cannot be weak with depression, if anything it tests and proves your strength.

Weaning off Effexor - 50mg to 37.5mg

We are approaching the end of our journey!

6/3/17 - First night at 37.5mg! 
Mood has been stable for a while.

7/3/17 - I had trouble sleeping because of restless leg :( ugh.

8/3/17 - Yesterday and today, my face has pimples and I'm really teary.
Things are resonating emotionally with me more than usual.
It's like I'm having my period but it is the wrong part of the cycle.
But to its credit, I was able to have a sensitive discussion with BP and it didn't trigger anything deeper than some normal emotional responses (no 'coldness' in my core).
*PB is a good egg.

12/3/17 - I have been wearing my mouth-guard to bed to counteract grinding my teeth in my sleep.

The poor memory may be more of my brain than the effexor.
I had half a glass of red tonight (I'm a light-weight), forgot I was chatting to PB online and wandered off.
When I remembered and came back, he didn't even reprimand me.
Poor PB! He really is too good! I love him so dearly.

14/3/17 - I woke up today and I had no emotions.
Just blank.

Looks like I'll be emotionless for a while!

I also went to the doctor and got a smaller medication dose. 
Tonight, I'll step down to 25mg.

Weaning off Effexor - 75mg to 50mg

My doctor has me going from 75mg to 37.5 mg, but I'm not about that big of a jump, so we are going to sneak in a 50mg step, to make it smoother.

DO NOT COPY ME! I AM A PROFESSIONAL AND I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY HEALTH AND NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURS!

21/2/17 - Well, I'm already hung over so I can't feel much worse! XD
I also found out recently that other people can skip an effexor and not feel like electric death.

22/2/17 - Man, I have a headache. Let's take a little paracetamol.
I didn't take any yesterday because I like alcohol or pain killers in my system, not both.

It's been an hour, I still feel terrible.

I know what will help...

I might be singing this at work tomorrow.

23/2/17 - So tired today! I've been tired all day.

24/2/17 - Still so tired! I sleep enough and still wake up tired.
Eh, better than headaches.

26/2/17 - My memory has been exceptionally poor today!

1/3/17 - I'm less tired, but I'm nauseous again.
My stomach feels like it has shrunk and I can't each much.

3/3/17 - I should see the doctor soon for the 37.5mg dosage. I'm ready to step down again. 
I could just go down to 25mg by myself, but I like the idea of the gently stepping down.

4/3/17 - I couldn't tell if I had a headache from the effexor, a toothache, or teeth grinding in my sleep, so I used a mouth guard last night.
I'm grinding my teeth in my sleep again. Ugh.

6/3/17 - Ok, down to 37.5mg tonight!

Weaning off Effexor - 100mg to 75mg

We are up to step 2 and taking off another 25mg.
I'm feeling pretty hopeful that this will go well, given how easily the first step was.

7/2/17 - Went down to 75mg tonight.
Ugh, my heart is feeling a bit 'cold' (how my brain interprets it, not a physical temperature drop) and my eyes feel like I may cry.

8/2/17 - I am experiencing Weltschmerz and am having suicidal thoughts (not actively planning, just those thoughts that aren't really yours that pop up in your mind).

9/2/17 - I now only have general disenchantment (and suicidal thoughts), how lovely.
But really I'll take any improvement.

At 1 am I decided I really felt like a drink (and unusual craving for me).
Note: I physically CANNOT drink when I am depressed. I loose the taste for it completely.

It is now 1:40am and I am all about this:

I need his cape.

The main dancer is throwing shapes like there is no tomorrow.
I live for the flamboyance!!!
(If you need proof of my own flamboyance, see the 'Peacock tail' post, I'll wait.)
A huge shout out to PB for showing me this glorious clip!

Also, just a shout out to PB because he makes me so happy just by existing. <3

10/2/17 - And we are back to ennui.

11/2/17 - Someone in my life seems to be melting down, but I honestly can't engage right now, I am too fragile.
Sorry bro, shields are up, especially since you're getting a little mean.

Watching the Game Grumps play-through Pokemon Fire Red and the Lavender Town music is so sad.

12/2/17 -  I'm really bothered by things sticking up/out. I have an irrational fear they will poke me in the eye (Aichmophobia).
I have always had this phobia, but it is usually dormant. 
It is really strong today.
I don't even like my hands being too close to my face!

13/2/17 - Today was a good day, made even better by PB sending me flowers! <3 
I love that man so much!

14/2/17 - I don't know if it is because of the medicine, but I have at least 6 pimples on my face. (Which doesn't phase me too much).
Emotionally I was very happy today, but it was Valentine's day!
I pointed out my pimples to R, he suggested I was going through puberty! XD Hahaha! 

19/2/17 - Someone who I know who is also on effexor complained about the memory formation problems they had as a side effect.
Do I have that too?!
I do keep forgetting things, important things, I just don't encode it. 
And I used to be quite good at encoding information!
I used to remember little things so easily.

I just thought my memory was a jerk or I was just getting older!


21/2/17 - Ok, I have been out and drinking (not getting drunk, but my body still isn't happy) for the past 3 nights... I feel like I'm dying! XD
It's just a hangover though!
I was perfectly happy being out, especially since I had such lovely company!

Tonight we (I) go down to 50mg!

Special Post! - Hug in a Box from J

J has been reading my Effexor withdrawal post(s) and sent me this to help me feel better.
He can't hug me directly, so he sent one.

Thank you!

Weaning off Effexor - 150mg to 100mg

So we (read: I) are going from 150mg daily to none.
Very, VERY slowly!

Let's go on this journey together! 
This post will cover the first step, going down to 100mg.

28/1/17 - Went down from 150mg to 100mg tonight.
I hope that isn't too much of a jump... Future me will tell you!

29/1/17 - No negative effects felt so far, had sex dreams last night (I'll take that over nightmares any night!).
I feel a bit euphoric.
As the day went on, I'm still feeling lustful.
I know that antidepressants can suppress libido, but I didn't think I experienced that side-effect.
Oh no! What if it DID suppress my libido and without them, I'm going to be even more lustful?! 

Am I actually a succubus?
It does not help that I've been getting some hot messages of late!

30/1/17 - OMG! I can't sleep!
I'm lusty and someone suggested something that has me going mad! ('March')
Midday and the succubus thing has passed.
I had vivid dreams last night, but they were not nightmares.
I'm having racing thoughts and difficulty focusing on one thing.

31/1/17- It is the wee hours and I have not slept.
I am really enjoying music and getting feelings of true love (both old flames and current loves).
I feel so good, everything feels so reminiscent of true love.

This next song sounds like what romantic love feels like (not necessary the lyrics, the music and feel):

Ok, that may be the decrease in meds and/or synaesthesia talking.

Did I ever disclose on this blog that I have synaesthesia?
Despite what that last sentence may seem to imply, the rapid thoughts have stopped.  


1/2/17 - I have a dull headache at the front of my head (near sinuses) that I think may be from the drug reduction, rather than my current cold.
I'm feeling pretty good cognitively, pretty 'normal'.

I had a nap an had terrible nightmares... now we are getting to the normal 'you need the medicine' symptoms!

Nightmare cure... you are welcome!

Also, I have a SERIOUS craving for chocolate ice-cream, as of an hour ago.
Earlier in the day, I was just thinking about it, now I NEED it!

Do I have a time-headache?!

2/2/17 - I got chocolate ice-cream after work today.
But today, nothing tastes appealing.
I don't feel hungry.
Aside from this taste-apathy, I am feeling pretty stable today.

3/2/17 - woke up with a growling stomach, but no appetite.
Forced down a piece of bread and drank a lot of sweet, sweet water (not actually sweet).
As the day went on, nothing looked good for eating.
I have no appetite.

5/2/17 - I am feeling perfectly fine... I may be calling this too early, but I think I have successfully adjusted down to 100mg.
If it all stays stable, I'll go down to 50mg on the 17th.
I can eat easier now, but I have to really feel like it.

This evening was the biggest test of my 100mg so far.
PU1 told me an infuriating story of someone else's stupidity, another person won't fulfill a request that I had done for them many times over (making me feel like they don't give a shit about reciprocity), and PB decided to list just a select few things which are horrible within the political world (then suggested I don't get depressed by it... how could I not when people are so freaking awful to each other sometimes?).

Also 'Interstellar' is on television and it is a stupid film.
But I haven't felt the coldness of depression spread over my heart yet.
Nor have I had any 'you just get this because genetics' depression yet.

I couldn't sleep, decided I might be hungry.
I can't eat much because I feel fussy.
I'm now gassy (burps).
I laughed because I felt like I was a baby... then I had 'the thought'.

Oh crab apples, what if I'm pregnant!? o.O
Highly unlikely, but that doesn't make it any less scary!
Guess who will be peeing on sticks now.

Test 1: negative

Test 2: negative

I have cheap tests just for freak outs like this.

I got into an argument at work. 
My supervisor wanted me to invent time (when others there were sitting around doing nothing) and I wanted them to go f**k themselves. 
I probably could have let this one go, but everyone had already been pushing me, work was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

7/2/17 - I went to the doctor today and got some 75mg tablets.
I go back in three weeks for some 37.5mg tablets.
Tonight I will start the 75mg :)

Stay tuned for the next exciting post!

Venlafaxine - 150mg

I have been on 150mg of Effexor since ~January 2015.
It is my second antidepressant.
It is a SNRI, a serotonin and nor-adrenaline re-uptake inhibitor. 
That means it works by preventing my neurons from taking back in released serotonin and nor-adrenaline (norepinephrine nowdays, but I'm old school), leaving it free to act a bit longer.

I can't recall if I have covered this before, but my depression is genetic. 
No amount of time or happy thoughts or healthy food will change the incorrect settings they are programmed to always be at.

I quite liked this treatment.
It did make me a little prone to mania (which is fine) and one person thought it made me aggressive (I did try to tell them that I have always been like that), but everyone else thought they did wonders for me.

One draw back is the short half life of the medicine, so if you forget one, you will be in a world of pain!
Electrical shocks that start in the brain, then move to the body and heart.
One time I went over 24 hours without one and I thought I was going to need to go to the hospital.

And because of that short half life, I can't risk being cut off suddenly. 
I'm going to (very slowly and carefully and with a doctor) wean off them.

This will be the first time in almost 8 years that I have been without medication.

Pray for Epione to watch over me in this transition.